February 6th, 2017

Dear Riley,

I am writing this to you after a rough week with one of my own parents. You see – they had a medical emergency and when your Aunts and I prepared to rush to their side, we were told we weren’t wanted.

As a daughter; I was hurt, upset, devastated and couldn’t understand why I couldn’t be with them. Selfishly this was more for my own sake than theirs, but I didn’t care. I wanted them to know we were there, I wanted to be needed, I wanted to be with them, I wanted to go to them. When we got the news, you were in bed already asleep, and as I tried to settle down for the night knowing I couldn’t see my parent, someone who gave me life and was now fighting for theirs I felt a rush of emotion, not for me – but for you my sweetness.

As a parent myself I came to the understanding of not wanting to burden your child with worry or to show them you are weak, but I am not only a parent, I am still a daughter. It hit me that as you Riley get older you will need me less, and I in turn will need you more.

I will need you to call me and tell me how your day went. I will need you to come over to my house for dinner once and a while so I can count your fingers and toes and see for myself that you are alright. I will need you to make plans with me, and show me you love me and still need me, even though I know that may not be true.

I need you to make me a promise, and in turn I will make you a promise.

Promise me you will come for me, come to me. Promise me that you will still show up, you will still come over, you will still be in my life – even when your life gets busy. Even if someone tells you not to come to my side, don’t listen to them.

And I, my sweetness – I promise you that I will come for you. When you call in the middle of the night because your heart has been broken: I will come for you, I will come to you. When you text me and ask if I am busy – I promise you I will drop everything and tell you I am not. I will never be too busy for you. I will always be there for you, I will always come to you. I can’t not tell you enough that you are my whole world. I thought I could never be happier than the day you were born, but every day I see you, I watch you grow my heart gets fuller.

As I held you last night during one of our late night rendezvous, I watched as your little eyes became heavy again, and your cries softened because I was there – that’s all you wanted. You wanted me… You will always have me.

I will always come for you, come to you.

Always yours

– Momma

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April 9th, 2016

Well my Sweetness you made me work for it; you made both your Dad and I work for it. 30 hours of labour and an emergency c-section later we welcomed you into the world with pure exhaustion and a whole lotta… “What the fuck did we do”. And love, love more than anything.

We had 9 months to prepare for you. I read books and then relayed my findings to your Dad. He would ask questions and then I would consult with my books, our midwife, and the internet (I hope google is still around and kicking when it’s your turn to pro-create).

Was I ready you ask? No…

Did I actually know what I was doing? No….

But your Dad was confident we would figure this thing out. We are stumbling blindly through this so please be kind. You were and are so amazing. Your ten tiny fingers and toes, and sweet little nose (which is mine by the way… you have my nose.) We knew you would be headstrong from the get go when they put your slimy little body on my chest and you immediately headed for my breasts to get your feed on. You even wowed our midwife¬†¬†with your immediate squirming. We have the video to prove it.

This world my love can be such a scary place. It seems to be more terrifying now because I have you to worry about and to watch over. Every day you terrify me with how much you are growing. One day I won’t be able to carry you in the safety of my arms, but rather watch you explore the world on your own beyond my safe arms reach. I will watch you get your first scraped knee because your legs were moving too fast. Watch as you get your heart broken by your first boyfriend. Watch as you get bullied. Everything is temporary – remember this through out life.

You need to know my sweetness that although it feels like you are going through these things alone, and I am just watching over you – I am always here. Always in your corner.

I love you daughter of mine.

– Mom

“How wonderful life is, now your in the world” – Elton John